


What Do I Do?

by Gameguy1992



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Fear, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 16:02:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21479068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gameguy1992/pseuds/Gameguy1992
Summary: Nick Wilde hasn't been himself lately. So much so that it's now affecting his personal and professional life. What is wrong? And can anyone help him to fix it?
Relationships: Judy Hopps/Nick Wilde
Comments: 48
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Something I've wanted to write for a long time now but could never figure out how to do.
> 
> Unlike my other stories this one hasn't been reworked or edited or tweaked. It is raw and real.
> 
> I have suffered from depression since I as 16. And this is a way for me to put into context how Ive been feeling lately.

Sighing softly Nick Wilde turned, rolling under the blankets of his bed for what felt like the hundredth time that night. His apartment was dark and silent, just like it always was this time of night. His eyes flickered to the clock on his nightstand, the soft blue numbers glowing softly at him; 6:45am.

_ Fuuuuck. _

He was late. He was supposed to be halfway to the precinct by now, roll call would start in 15 minutes. Yet despite that, he didn't move. Instead he closed his eyes, forcing himself to take a deep breath. He needed to get up and get ready, if he didn't he'd be in a lot of trouble, not just with the chief but also with his partner. He could almost see the unhappy glare Judy would give him in his mind's eye. And yet still he didn't move, next to him the time on the clock had changed; 6:47am. It wasn't that he was comfy and just didn't want to get up. On the contrary. He'd spent almost the entire night tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable position to sleep in until well after midnight. 

6:50

_ Fuck it _

He reached for his phone, grabbing it off the nightstand before flicking his finger across the screen. His stomach twisted slightly as his screen lit up, showing him a picture of him and Judy in uniform; the pair of them grinning and posing like action heroes in front of their cruiser. She wasn't going to be happy with him for this. He'd missed a lot of work recently, a fact that was made painfully clear to him as he pulled up the chief's number; a little red number 12 next to the name, indicating the number of times he'd called in the last month. Again he felt his stomach twist guiltily. He had been calling in a lot lately. He was almost out of PTO (paid time off) and it was barely even June. For a moment he shifted, allowing the paw that was holding the phone to rest on the mattress. He could still get up and make it. He'd be a little late, sure. But he could make up some excuse. Something about helping someone on the tram maybe? A little old shrew with groceries? Or a young mother antelope? He could do that. He could get up, get dressed, skip breakfast, run as fast as he could to the tram station and come up with some kind of excuse along the way. He could… and yet he didn't move. His heart really wasn't in it. Not today.

Closing his eyes again Nick took another breath, willing himself to do this. He'd go in early tomorrow, buy donuts for everyone and try to smooth things over then. Tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow would be better. Bringing the phone to his ear Nick listened to the electric sound of the ring, his heart beating a bit harder than usual. After three rings the phone line connected and Chief Bogo's voice reached him. "What?"

He bit his lip, trying to be braver than he felt. "Ch-chief?"

"Wilde? What do you want?"

He swallowed, a painful lump having formed in his throat. "I'm… I'm not feeling so good today. I don't think I'm gonna be coming in today. I… I'm sorry."

There silence on the other end of the line, a deafening almost thunderous silence that made Nick keenly aware of house loudly he could hear his heart beating in his ears. Then, "Big shock. Look Wilde I don't know what you deal is but get your act together. If you're sick, see a doctor. If you're scared, go see a shrink. But as of right now, don't bother coming in for the rest of the week. That saves us both the headache of these pathetic calls." A moment later the line went dead.

He lay there in his bed, the silence of his room bearing down on him like some kind of feral savage animal. His stomach clenched as if he was going to be sick, and his heart was beating almost painfully in his chest. He'd heard the anger in the chief's voice as clear as day, and he could only imagine the scowl that had been covering the cape buffalo's face. His grip on his phone tightened, as he brought it to his chest. His eyes clamped shut as he forced himself to take long slow breaths, a hopeless attempt to control the feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing that welled up inside him. He brought his free paw to his face, quickly covering his eyes to try and keep tears from building up and leaking out of them.

"I'm sorry."

\------------*------------

It was a horrible feeling. Laying there in his bed, knowing that he should be up and out, doing his job. It tore at him, making his insides squirm with guilt and frustration. He wasn't being lazy… right? It wasn't that he didn't want to go to work. It was just… the thought of it. The thought of getting up, of going to work and having to deal with people… it filled him with…

*BZZZT* *BZZZT*

The sound of his phone made him blink, his gaze drifting to where he'd set the device down. He knew who it was, he didn't even have to look at the screen to know. There was only one mammal in the entire world it could be. Still he reached for the device, turning it towards him before turning on the screen. Sure enough the name 'Carrots' looked back at him just above the message she'd sent him. 

Chief said you called in again. You ok?

As he read her message, his eyes flicking over the words another one came in.

Nick is something wrong? Are you ok? You can talk to me.

_ Great. Just fucking great. _

She was worried about him. That was the last thing he wanted. For a few moments he lay there, his gaze unfocused as he tried to figure out how to respond to her messages. Was he ok? No, definitely not. If he was ok, he'd be at work not huddled under his blankets with a pillow still damp with his tears. If he was ok, he'd be there with her, riding or walking next to her saying something to make her laugh or smile. But he wasn't. He was here… again. Why? Why couldn't he bring himself to get out of bed? Why did the idea of going to work make him feel small and sad and pathetic? Why did he want nothing more than to cover up with the blankets and never bother anyone again?

Nick… I'm worried. Please talk to me. Are you ok?

He bit his lip as he looked at her message. He had to do something, to say something to put her at ease. Otherwise she'd be worrying about him all day and not focusing on her job. That lack of focus could her hurt, or worse. It was his fault, he should have been there watching her back and helping to keep her safe. But now… now he was just bothering her, burdening her and keeping her from giving her absolute best. His heart clenched painfully with that knowledge. He had to say something, anything to help her regain her focus. Taking a deep breath he shifted, his fingers dancing across the screen as he typed. 

Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

It was stupid. Stupid and pathetic and lame.

_ Just like me. _

He let his phone go, turning it to silent before laying it on the nightstand with the screen facing down. A moment later he turned away, rolling over so he was facing the wall. 

It was for the best. Clearly he wasn't in any condition to be on the job today. He'd be even more of a burden to her if he was there. This way she'd be paired up with someone else, someone she could trust to have her back and keep her safe. Someone better than him. That's what she needed after all. Someone to watch over her, to keep her safe and help her make her dream a reality. To help her make the world a better place. And clearly that person wasn't him. 

\-------------*-------------

He'd always considered himself full of friends. When he'd been a grifter he'd known and been friendly with just about everyone he met. And while sometimes it had been because of a con for the most part he genuinely liked the mammals he was around. He'd always considered them friends, even if they hadn't realized it. Lately though… something had changed. The mammals who had once reached out to him constantly, who had texted him almost night and day had fallen silent. In the last few months he'd barely heard from anyone. Finnick still messaged him from time to time, but it was always shallow conversations. Quick messages of "Yo" and "wanna get a beer?" Nothing like the messages they'd once sent back and forth. Even when they did meet up there was always this kind of tension between them. It felt… not quite angry but… maybe resentful? Sighing softly he tried to push the thoughts from his mind. 

_ Never let them see that they get to you. _

That had been his motto for years. He'd lived by those words, and told them to himself over and over and over until he believed them. But… this was different. This wasn't something they'd said about him behind his back. Or whispered about him while he's been around the corner. This was different. It was like they'd cut him out of their lives. Like he was dead to them. They didn't call, they didn't text. He didn't matter to them anymore. They were better off without him. He may have considered them friends, but clearly they didn't feel the same way. To them he must have been a burden, an annoyance. Some loser who was always hanging around them and bothering them. 

Somehow that hurt worse than anything else. 

\-------------*--------------

The sound of his front door opening made him jerk slightly, as his eyes opened. "Nick? Nick are you home?"

"C-carrots?" He sat up in bed, his eyes darting to the clock as he rolled over, 10:23am. What was she doing here? Her shift should have just started and his apartment wasn't anywhere near her normal patrol route. A moment later she appeared in the doorway to his bedroom, not dressed in her uniform as he had expected but instead in a pair of slightly worn jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. He fumbled with his blankets, making sure that they covered him as he looked at her. "Wh-what are you doing here? Sho-shouldn't you be working?"

She shook her head as she moved forward into his room. "Not until you tell me what's going on Nick."

He blinked at her, the familiar feelings of guilt and shame welling up in his chest. "N-nothing is going on Judy. I'm just not feeling well."

She looked at him. Not with anger or with suspicion as he'd expected but with concern and worry. "What's wrong? Are you getting sick? Do you need me to help?"

He shook his head. "N-no it's… it's not like that."

Now a frown was covering her face as she looked at him. "Then what Nick? You've barely been at work lately. You keep calling in and you won't talk to me about it. I'm worried about you."

For a moment he felt his chest swell slightly. But a moment later he pushed that feeling back down. She didn't need to worry about him. She shouldn't have to worry about him. "It's nothing Judy… I've just… not been myself lately."

Judy continued to look at him for several seconds. "Nick, talk to me. Please. What's going on?"

He sighed, running his paw over his ears. "I'm just… fuck I don't know Judy. I just… I can't do it… ok? I know I made it through the academy and I helped you find the missing mammals and I'm your partner now. But… I just…" he watched as she stared at him. "I just can't… make myself get out of bed some days. I can't… motivate myself to care."

In front of him Judy's eyes widened slightly. "Nick..."

He growled at himself. "And I know I should. I KNOW. I worked so hard to get here. And I'm so glad I did. I'm so grateful to you and everything you've done for me. But… but I just… I just don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so helpless and pathetic lately. I feel like all I want to do is curl up and cry and be miserable for days on end. But I have no reason to. I just… I… I…"

The feeling of her paw on his made his voice break, his heart hammering in his chest as he felt the bed compress next to him as she sat down. He bit his lip, his head hanging shamefully as he looked at the floor. "Nick… have you ever had issues with depression before?"

He shook his head but didn't look up at her. "N-no."

Gently Judy squeezed his paw. "Nick, look at me."

He bit his lip. "I… I can't.

Her voice was soft and caring. "Why not?"

He felt a soft burning in his eyes as he struggled to keep back the waves of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. "Because… I'm ashamed." 

Gently she squeezed his paw again. "Why?"

He shook his head. "Cause I have no reason to be depressed. I've got it way better than a lot of other mammals. I have a good job, a roof over my head, money in the bank, and… well… you… as a friend. What reason do I have to be depressed?"

Next to him Judy sighed softly. "Nick, depression doesn't work like that. It doesn't care about any of the things you just mentioned." Again she squeezed his paw. "Nick, I think you should go talk to a doctor. What you're describing sounds like depression."

He felt a by now familiar pressure build up around his eyes as tears began to form. "What am I going to do carrots?"

Next to him she shifted, laying her head down on his shoulder. "You're going to get better Nick. I'm going to stay here with you, and help in anyway I can. And when you're ready I'll take you to the doctor myself. We'll get through this together and I'll be with you every step of the way."

"B-but… but what ab-about…"

"No buts Nick. No buts, no what ifs. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to help you. So just take the time you need, I'll be right here."

The tears were falling freely down his face now, his heart clenching painfully tight at her words. "Th-thank you c-carrots."

She shifted again, her paw leaving his so she could wrap her arms around his shoulders. "I love you Nick. I promise, we'll get you through this."

He clung to her, his paws gripping her arm almost desperately tight. "I love you too carrots." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short... something

Nick Wilde sighed softly, careful to keep his breathing low and quiet. It was midnight, actually it was closer to 2am now; it had been midnight when he'd snuck out of his and Judy's bed and come into the kitchen. Silently he glanced at the hallway leading back to their shared bedroom, vaguely he wondered if he should get up and go back to bed. Of course the right answer was yes, yes he should. He'd work a 14 hour shift yesterday, helping his rabbit to track down a group of mammals that had taken to attacking random people with clubs and whatever else they could get their paws on. He was tired, exhausted really and yet…

He hissed softly at pain lanced through his head, so sharp and painful that it made him clamp his eyes shut as he lifted the glass of cold water he was drinking from to his forehead. He groaned weakly, the cold glass helping to ease the pain slightly as he kept his eyes closed. They'd started to happen shortly after he'd started taking his medication. At Judy's urging he'd gone to see a doctor, and just as she'd thought he'd been diagnosed with depression. At first he'd felt rather guilty about the diagnosis, like it was something to be ashamed of. Like somehow he'd done something to deserve this.

The doctor had given him two things after the first visit, a prescription for antidepressants and a referral to a therapist. Things had not started out smoothly. Almost three days after starting the medication he'd woken up so nauseous that he'd barely left the bathroom that day and had very nearly vomited on the phone when he'd called in to work. As the day had worn on the nausea had subsided and been instead replaced by a headache which had quickly turned into a migraine so painful that he'd turned off every light in his apartment and shut himself in a pitch black closet just to get a single shred of relief. When judy had come to see him later that night she'd been shocked, truly taken aback by what she'd called the sickest looking fox she'd ever seen.

She'd called the doctor while he'd stayed in the closet and had told the doctor what was happening. The doctor had been sympathetic, writing him a prescription for new antidepressants as well as some anti-nausea and anti-migraine medication which Judy had gone and picked up later that night and then passed him from under the crack in the door.

He'd fallen asleep in the closet, waking up the next morning to find himself using an old coat as a blanket and the half filled back of his vacuum as a pillow. He'd expected to be alone when he'd opened the door, there was no reason to think otherwise. So the sight of Judy hopps, curled up under an old blanket on the couch had made him pause. She hadn't said anything about staying the night. In fact he'd been rather insistent that she go home and get some sleep. Yet she'd stayed.

Groaning again, nick slowly lowered the now lukewarm glass of water back down to the table. That had been almost… seven months ago but it felt longer. It felt like a lifetime ago. Things had changed in those seven months. He'd started seeing a therapist, a middle aged and kind faced male ermim who's office smells slightly of mint and sage every time he walked in. At first it had been awkward and he'd done what he always did, fallen back on humor and witt when he was uncomfortable. His initial greeting to his first session was still probably one of the cringiest things he'd ever said aloud. "Hello random stranger. I've agreed to pay you $200 an hour to listen to me babble and then tell me why I'm broken. Try not to judge me to harshly." At the time he'd thought it was funny. Well, not really but… kinda; a way to break the awkward tense that he was feeling.

The ermin hadn't laughed and had instead asked him if that's how he'd really felt. When he'd said yes the doctor had asked him why he felt that way. The first few sessions had been… rough was a major understatement. The emotions that he'd feel while in that room where a near constant whirlwind. He'd go from normal, to annoyed, to angry, to sad, back to angry, back to normal, to guilty, to frustrated and then to just plain exhausted all in the span of an hour. When he'd get home after those times he'd just collapse onto the couch and sleep, not waking up until the sound of Judy knocking on his door reached him. Her support and presence were about the only thing that made him feel normal on those days. Watching movies with her, getting coffee, hell even just walking around his neighborhood; so long as it was with her, he felt better. A few times he tried to do those things on his own, but they hadn't had the same effect and instead had just left him feeling more confused and off. 

When the doctor had first asked him about his feelings for Judy he'd been taken aback. It had felt like an out of left field question; his feelings for judy? She… she was his best friend of course. She was his partner and the main reason he was there at therapy in the first place. Without realizing it he'd talked half the session about her, stopping only when the buzzer had gone off to signal the end of the session. The doctor had said something to him then, asking if he had ever thought of judy as more than just a friend. He'd gone home that day more confused than usual. Judy… as more than a friend? Well… he supposed if he was being honest then Judy was attractive and yes, she was funny, smart and fun to be around. But…

When judy had come over she'd known that instantly something was off. For a while he deflected her questions, but in the end he hadn't been in an overly playful mood. When he admitted to what the doctor had asked him, Judy had gotten quiet then, looking at him with an expression he'd never seen her make before. Then he'd gotten one of the biggest surprises of his life. That she had wondered before… if there might be… more than friendship between them. It had been a long time since he'd been surprised like that, so much so that he'd actually been at a loss for words. Of course judy had taken his surprised silence as judgment and she'd begun talking at a truly impressive pace; saying how she knew it was insane. How they were completely different species and not only that but predator and prey. How they were partners on the job and how this could change everything between then. How she was sorry and if he wanted to partner with a different mammal she'd understand. In truth he'd barely heard any of what she'd said, he'd been to busy trying to understand that she a mammal who could pretty much date anyone she wanted found him… attractive.

Again he sighed, running his paws over his ears as he did so. In some ways he was definitely doing better than he had been six months ago. The meds were helping a little, although he still had plenty of bad days. His growing relationship with Judy was a bright spot in his life. (One of the few) so why then did he still have times when he felt like crap? Where he couldn't sleep or muster up the spirit to go into work? If he was getting better like everyone told him he was, why didn't he feel it?

Draining the last of the water from his glass nick stood up, slowly making his way back down the dark hallway before silently slipping into the bedroom. Like a ghost he tiptoes across the pitch black room, slowly pulling the covers of the bed back so he could slip in unde-

*CREEEEEAK*

mentally nick cursed the old wooden bedframe, the sound of it groaning under his added weight echoing around the dark room. Somehow in the dark and near silence of the night the noise sounded louder than usual. From the bed he heard Judy groan, her voice reaching him a second later. "N-nick...w-wha-"

He shifted, touching her shoulder gently. "Its ok judy. I just had to use the bathroom."

In the dark he watched as the outline of Judy rolled over to look at him."You ok?"

He bit his lip, unsure of how to answer the question. He knew Judy probably just meant in general, was he ok? But somehow the question felt heavier than that. He shifted, leaning over in the dark to kiss Judy's cheek softly. "I will be hun…. I hope." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey folks.   
havent been doing so well lately. 
> 
> still working on the next chapter of cutlure.   
sorry it's taking so long.


	3. Chapter 3

The sound of the door opening made him look up from his book. The window next to him looked out over the city, and right now he was a little startled to find that the sun, which had been high in the sky when he'd sat down was now hanging low, casting long red and orange beams of light across the world. Looking at his watch Nick felt his eyes widen, he'd been sitting here reading for the last five hours? How was that possible? He'd just sat down to read while his and Judy's clothes were tumbling around the drier how had-

"Babe? Where are you?" The sound of Judy's voice echoes through the apartment. Involuntarily his ears flicked backwards, not so much in a scared way but…

"I'm in the office."

The sound of footsteps reached him, making his heartbeat quicken anxiously. A second later judy appeared in the doorway, dressed in her ZPD uniform and looking tired but glad to see him. "Hey." He smiled, saying nothing as she stepped into the room and made her way towards him before leaning over to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

"How was work today?" As she spoke he stuffed a random bit of paper into his book to mark his place in it. Next to him judy sighed deeply, an action that again made his ears flick back timidly. He was walking on rapidly thinning ice. "That great huh?" 

Next to him judy shook her head. "It wasn't bad or anything. Just… just not great. The new guy, he's… well…" Judy's voice trailed off but she didn't need to finish her sentence, he could already imagine a number of things she wanted to say but wasn't. 

"Hey, come here."

He reached out, dropping the book he'd been reading to the floor before pulling her off the floor and into his lap. "I know things are… different now." Gods he felt like he was trying to tiptoe through a minefield. "But I promise… they'll go back to normal soon. I promise."

She looked at him, the same kind of look she'd been giving him more and more lately. Not a look that said "I know" or even "you're right". No these looks instead said, "I hope so". Each time they made his heart clench painfully and his stomach squirm guiltily. Biting his lip he changed the subject, hoping that it might brighten her mood a little and help lift her spirits. 

"Why don't we order takeout tonight? We can order from that bistro you like so much, the one with the garden." His words had the desired effect, at least for a few moments. Judy's ears perked up and he felt her tail twitch against his stomach.

"You mean The Garden patch?" He nodded, smiling at her. But a moment later her excitement seemed to drain away. Her expression becoming concerned and pensive. "Can… Can we afford it? I mean..."

He knew what she meant, money had been tight lately. Again, something that made his ears want to press against his head guiltily. He resisted doing that though, if he did Judy would know what he was really feeling. And that wasn't something he wanted to burden her with, not when she'd already taken on so much and was working so hard. Instead he nodded, doing his best to continue to smile and ignore the feeling of guilt in his gut. "We've done good this last week, we can treat ourselves a little. We just can't go crazy." That was true, but it was also a lie to cover up the real truth that neither of them wanted to bring up. They had been doing good this week though, fixing most of their meals at home and not eating out.

Judy continued to look at him, that same expression of worry and uncertainty in her eyes. Doing his best to put an end to the discussion Nick nodded in the direction of the kitchen. "Unless you'd rather have the leftover casserole surprise we made." His words did the trick, Judy's eyes widened before shaking her head rapidly.

"No no no. Never again."

He grinned, the first genuine grin since she'd come home. "Are you sure? You seemed like such a fan of it last night. I remember you saying it was slimy yet crunchy at the same time."

They both laughed at that, and after a few moments judy shifted and got down off his lap. "Ok, I'll go place or order and you go throw away that casserole."

He nodded in agreement. "Deal."

Again she chuckled. "Just remind me to go to bed a bit early. I have an early shift tomorrow so I can't stay up super late. Unlike you I still have to deal with Bogo." As she spoke she left the room, her words echoing down the hallway.

She'd meant it as a joke. He knew she had, or at least… hoped she had. But that didn't stop it from feeling as if his insides had been jabbed by a poker. It hadn't been an easy decision. He'd spent days… actually more like weeks agonizing over it. But in the end it had been pretty clear what he needed to do. She'd supported him, but at the same time he'd seen the sadness in her expression. The way her ears and tail had dropped as he'd gone to The Chief's office to hand in his resignation papers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the short chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Updates to my stories may come slower than usual. My motivation to do anything is pretty shot to hell.
> 
> If you know someone who is depressed, the best thing you can do is be patient and kind to them. Let them know you're there for them.
> 
> That can make all the difference in the world.


End file.
